It is me that is my worst enemy

Signs and Symptoms

1. * Loss of interest in normal daily activities - Check
2. * Depressed mood. You feel sad, helpless or hopeless, and may have crying spells - Check
3. * Sleep disturbances - Check
4. * Impaired thinking or concentration. You may have trouble concentrating or making decisions and have problems with memory - Check Check Check
5. * Changes in weight - Check
6. * Agitation. You may seem restless, agitated, irritable and easily annoyed - Check
7. * Fatigue or slowing of body movements. You feel weariness and lack of energy nearly every day - Check
8. * Low self-esteem. You feel worthless and have excessive guilt - Sorry no check
9. * Less interest in sex. If you were sexually active before developing depression, you may notice a dramatic decrease in your level of interest in having sexual relations - Check
10. * Thoughts of death - Sorry no check

These are the symptoms of ... drum roll please... Dysthymia (go look it up). I finally can admit that for many years I have sporadically suffered with this form of depression.

What caused this depression ? Wow ... it's been a tough ten years (emotionally).

- Family Illness

- Accepting my father, forgiving him, letting go

- Losing the first love of my life

- Living up to the incredibly high expectations that I set for myself

- Entering into a relationship with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons

-Finally finding love again and knowing that it was about to slip away again (we women just know)

- Family illness

- Going three years without seeing my mother, sister, family

-Broken friendships

- Entering grad school brought it to a climax. I became incredibly self conscious.

- Another failed relationship.

- Sacrificing my happiness so that others could be happy (unintentionally)

Please do not get me wrong, I was not walking around this place moping (at least not all of the time). Hell I didn't even know I was depressed until I saw my mother a month ago. The overwhelming feeling of happiness brought me to tears and brought back my appetite, my joy, that inner feeling of peace. Just knowing that there are people on this Earth that love me so much was enough to awake me from my stupor.

So, my advice to any and everyone is live your life! LIVE IT! Ten years went by as if they were two years. Instead of living by these rules that govern our lives and our happiness, live YOUR life. Do whatever makes you happy in this life.

A wise man said to me last week:
"One thing is for certain, one day, you and everyone that you know will be dead."


Forget what your friends might think.
Forget about the judgments of others (they have skeletons in their closets anyway).
Live your life. You want to let go .. LET GO! .. You want to hold on ... HOLD ON! ... You want to do a lil of both .. SHIT .. DO IT !
Express yourself - Let him know how you feel. Let her know how you feel.
Release baby release!

And to my fellow matriarchs out there...fulfill your responsibilities and your obligations BUT... DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF, STOP PUTTING YOUR NEEDS LAST, TAKE CARE OF YOUR INNER SELF, LOVE YOURSELF, DO THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY, NOURISH YOUR HEART.. because the people that need you want the best for you (and you are no good to them unhappy and unhealthy :D).

That said... I have found myself again and again and again. I am the happiest I have been in years. I am a sexy, confident hustler. I make sure my peeps are happy but most importantly when I wake every morning, the Goddess is happy.

LIVE! YOUR!!! LIFE!