The End of the Mind Games

Watch nah... I'm seeing a very bad trend developing... my posts are frequently about relationships.. I refuse to play the role of the whining girl who is totally enveloped in her relationship that she thinks about nothing else. .. Nah but I have to vent about this one thing real quick.

I'm falling and I'm falling deep too man... momzie always told me I can't control who I love.. but I always thought that with the power of my mind I can decide how much I love the person .. well watch nah .. that mind power thing not working man... I guess after a while the games have to end .. but they are not games .. they are survival tactics! Shit! Heartbreak not nice you know!

Steupssss.. well watch nah ah done... ah done with the games .. the survival tactics.. the walls are down and I can't pretend that they are still up...

I love him with everything in me despite all my efforts not to...

Cyah handle d negative vibes

Why some people so bloody negative. They have NOTHING POSITIVE to say ... ah mean nothingggg. I have a new approach to that nonsense - I am saying bluntly that I am not interested in hearing what you have to say.

Mih cyah deal with d negativity!!! I know it makes you feel better about yourself to talk and think negatively about others but enough is shitting enough.

Tek yuh story and give somebody else!

Mih nah want fi hearrr!

Another Friday!

Hmmm ... another Friday night .. chilling ... in mih bed! with my baby Kymani!

Amazingly, my longest relationship with any man has been with Kymani - 3 years and going strong baby!

Ladies let me tell you about this man ... first and foremost he loves to cuddle .. keeper right?! He is extremely quiet .. which is quite frustrating at times but hey a relationship is about compromise right. Our relationship never goes further than the bedroom well the bed actually but hey I ain't complaining. He is a wonderful listener .. ah mean he doh even respond .. he just flicking listens!!

Steups... another Friday night .. chilling ... in mih bed! with mih damn teddy bear! buh hey I aint complaining!

Fadderrr !!

My co-worker is annoying the SHIT out of me!!!

Goodbye my lover?

Every goodbye... every talk to you later... the end of every phone call frustrates me.
When coming to relationships- of every kind- my solution to issues is to leave- to call it quits- to walk away from the issues. However, I am tired of running at the sight of every issue but how do I stay and cope with it. I always feel like I have something more important to do. Right now... at this very moment I am torn... I dont know what the hell to do but I dont want to say goodbye but my habitual behaviour is terrorizing me - poking me - telling me to run and dont look back...sighs

I am so hollow baby .. I am so hollow .. I am so hollow!

I think what adds to my frustration is that I must always appear strong and in control - how dare I appear vulnerable. This damn curse is preventing me from breaking down to you and saying I cant take it anymore. How would you know how this is affecting me if I cant tell you that on more than one occasions I have broken down. A woman should be strong .. hold down the fort right ?..right ? no signs of weakness right ? right ... right moms? ... sighs

One day I will crack and it wont be pretty. I have had to be strong from the age of 11--but come on a person can be strong, in control, and cry. Crying is not synonomous with weakness ... yet I cannot show you that it burns me. The very thing about me that attracts you is my doom... my burden.

I'm so I'm so hollow

I cant walk away..the heart isnt ready. I think I will just tell you that I hate having to say goodbye. I don't want to talk on the phone .. I want to cuddle ! I always want to cuddle

this journey... life eh boy... nothing I can't handle man

Why couldn't you be real about it???

Wow it's years later and I still can't believe you cheated on me and lied about it. It is not that I am naive to the cunning, sly, dutty ways of men .. it's just that it was so unnecessary. I was not the possesive type, I was NOT the clingy type, I did not stifle you, and I always said if you want to screw someone else just tell me straight up..say Rx this is not working out and I would bid farewell. I would not have forced you to stay with me so I don't understand y u had to sneak and betray my young trust. Your ass so good at that shit that ppl who interact with you would never suspect that you are so conniving. I mean even my mother didnt see it and she has a great cheatdar.

Now I have moved on and I am so happy but I dont see y u had to move like a pussy.. I dont get it .. even today for the life of you.. you will not admit that you are a weak, dishonest sociopath (shit .. yea I went there).

I heard through the grapevine that you know I would never love anyone like I LOVED you .. well .. newsflash... I will.. I have .. and I think it surpasses that artificial love I had for you .. the love had to be artificial because it was for an artificial being.. u were not real in any aspect of the relationship .. makes me wonder if it was as good as u proclaimed it to be ... lol

On the real though, I do not think that me being cheated on prevents me from trusting, loving, caring and respecting another man. I do believe that you came into my life for a reason and when that reason was fulfilled we separated...

I thank you because you have made me an ever better g/f beacuse I have learned so much about myself and compromising love etc. etc.

Some words of advice to you though .... Grow some balls!

Ok I'm overs now..........

E-motional Roller Coaster

Loving you aint nothing .......... easy.

U are a challenge.. which is what really keeps me interested but I do have my draining days when all I need is simplicity...

O why the delay in posting you ask. . .

-Applied for University of Chicago GSB and got in :D
-Started a new job with a managerial position so .. work work work
-Was doing a lot of reading especially on Spiritual Unions and spiritual growth as a woman.. society has shaped me to expect certain things in all relationships and I just needed to purge myself of these expectations so that I could live my life the way I, Numero Uno, feel.


So between these three things... the last thing on my mind was posting. I do have a certain someone in my life too but he in no way demands too much of my time. The beauty of it is that we have managed to remain two separate individuals and I love that!!! you know finally a male someone who understands and agrees with my philosophy on relationships.

Anyway, I am looking forward to mid 2006 and the great things in store for my life.

I will keep in touch more often but until then .. love yourself.. respect yourself.. and live your life the way you feel... cuz when you are gone that's it!

Stay Tuned for my next post The Irony of The Covenant with Black America

-Sighs-

Well I am packing my stuff to move to my new place ... yea I am still packing ...these books !!!

I refuse to throw any quiz or even a journal away... so here I am still packing .. lil frustrated and really neeeding to talk...

RANDOM things I am thinking about while packing:

- When I get to the new apt. I will really settle down and finish my Round 1 apps
- I cannot believe how far behind I am in the application process
- Damn why is GCI playing these sappy love songs
- O I just bounced up on my old Kaplan GMAT textbook, handbook and CD...If anyone needs one I am willing to give it to you for free...
- Bounced up on Chicago Blues by Hugh Holton ... will give that away too...don't even know why I bought it
- It's so funny that the ones that we fall for are usually the ones that are not really interested in us
- Trey Songz baby, that voice, jeez ... "I don't wanna leave but I gotta go right now"
- Why are Accounting textbooks so damn big ?
- Damn my song is playing ... Stars by Kindred Soul ... "Each day I watch you get better at this... We've come so far stars look up at you baby baby .. my heart belongs right here next to you baby ..." Husband starts to sing "... If I had one wish it would be to stay together grow together.. it's not much to ask of us I know we can do it... We've come so far stars look up at you baby baby"
- I wonder what my mommy is doing right now
- I wonder if my co-worker is going to lose his job
- I wonder if my presence is affecting his performance
- Hmm just bounced up on my love box - keepsake of all the stuff from my ex ... postcards etc... should I dump it..think I will cuz I've let go ... well I will dump his stuff but I want my ceramic love box! (that I created myself Thank you!)
- What ever happened to Afrocencheck.com and heritagecheck.com. I cannot resort to these Mickey Mouse checks on the market. I think I will try uniquecheck.com
- O Shoooott -- Bow Wow's song is playing ... ahhhhhhhh make it stop! Let Me Turn It Down
- I had always secretly wished that I would one day weigh more than 120 pounds ... If you kno me you would know that that is nearly impossible
- The topic for the the Chris Michaels radio show is "How do you break up with a woman so that she gets the message?" I don't know about you but I think the topic should be switched a little...in my case, the men are the ones that seem to be hard of hearing... (I sure knew how to pick them)
- O my jam -- Keyshia Coles "First of all let me say you cannot accuse me of all the things u are guilty of... I might as well have cheated on you, as much as u accuse me of cheating.. I should have cheated." yea right! For some reason I just can't cheat.. I guess that's a good thing :S
- Damn I had $25.00 off my next purchase at "Hurt your damn footsole Bakers Footwear" and I forgot to use it.. Tomorrow for sure
- Shit! It expired on the 15th
- "When he touches me it's like Ohhh Ohh.. When he hugs me I'm like Ohhh Ohh .. When he rubs me I'm like ohhh ohhh .. I got him saying Girlll tonight .. Give me some Sade', some Marvin Gaye, some Isley, cuz when you touch me I'm like "
- Who is really reading this ? lol
- "I get so lonely, Can't let just anyone hold me .. I want no one but you ;) (hint! hint!)
- Ok enough with the relationship songs .. but hey those are the songs that GCI is playing
- Don't you hate hate hate it when you contact someone and he/she take forever to get back at you?
- WHY AM I NOT PACKING MY COMPUTER!!!

You may hurt but

After a while
You learn the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn
That love doesn't mean learning
And company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman,not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of
Falling down in mid-flight
And after a while you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
To bring you flowers
And you learn you really can endure
You really are strong
You really do have worth
You learn
You learn
With every goodbye
You learn


After A While by Veronica Shoffstall

You are singing shit ... Full Stop

So I am up at 7 am today because I am hungry and sleepy ... yea I said I am up cuz I am sleepy. I am too lazy to make breakfast so I decided to listen to some music on the radio .. to distract me from my hunger nah.

Well I never hear more shit.(Actually I have but anyway..) This Bow Wow song "let me hold you down" has some of the dumbest lyrics ever:
Its what your coming with but Ima change all that
Rearrange that
Put you in the range all black
With the rims to match
Phone attached
TVs in the back
How you gon say no to that? Huh
Ahmmmm NO!

Look at me like now here you go
Really bout to blow some doe
But ain't nobody did it before so why is you so go hold it
Cause I believe this was meant to be
I just gotta work at it
Like a crack addict up in rehab


WHAT!? wha wha wha what Bow Wow .. you put real thought into that one .. deep !

I wonder what Huey would say about this ?