Our deepest fear ...

Jul 8, 2005 5:49 PM

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.


Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles," 1992 (commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela, 1994 inauguration speech)

It is me that is my worst enemy

Signs and Symptoms

1. * Loss of interest in normal daily activities - Check
2. * Depressed mood. You feel sad, helpless or hopeless, and may have crying spells - Check
3. * Sleep disturbances - Check
4. * Impaired thinking or concentration. You may have trouble concentrating or making decisions and have problems with memory - Check Check Check
5. * Changes in weight - Check
6. * Agitation. You may seem restless, agitated, irritable and easily annoyed - Check
7. * Fatigue or slowing of body movements. You feel weariness and lack of energy nearly every day - Check
8. * Low self-esteem. You feel worthless and have excessive guilt - Sorry no check
9. * Less interest in sex. If you were sexually active before developing depression, you may notice a dramatic decrease in your level of interest in having sexual relations - Check
10. * Thoughts of death - Sorry no check

These are the symptoms of ... drum roll please... Dysthymia (go look it up). I finally can admit that for many years I have sporadically suffered with this form of depression.

What caused this depression ? Wow ... it's been a tough ten years (emotionally).

- Family Illness

- Accepting my father, forgiving him, letting go

- Losing the first love of my life

- Living up to the incredibly high expectations that I set for myself

- Entering into a relationship with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons

-Finally finding love again and knowing that it was about to slip away again (we women just know)

- Family illness

- Going three years without seeing my mother, sister, family

-Broken friendships

- Entering grad school brought it to a climax. I became incredibly self conscious.

- Another failed relationship.

- Sacrificing my happiness so that others could be happy (unintentionally)

Please do not get me wrong, I was not walking around this place moping (at least not all of the time). Hell I didn't even know I was depressed until I saw my mother a month ago. The overwhelming feeling of happiness brought me to tears and brought back my appetite, my joy, that inner feeling of peace. Just knowing that there are people on this Earth that love me so much was enough to awake me from my stupor.

So, my advice to any and everyone is live your life! LIVE IT! Ten years went by as if they were two years. Instead of living by these rules that govern our lives and our happiness, live YOUR life. Do whatever makes you happy in this life.

A wise man said to me last week:
"One thing is for certain, one day, you and everyone that you know will be dead."


Forget what your friends might think.
Forget about the judgments of others (they have skeletons in their closets anyway).
Live your life. You want to let go .. LET GO! .. You want to hold on ... HOLD ON! ... You want to do a lil of both .. SHIT .. DO IT !
Express yourself - Let him know how you feel. Let her know how you feel.
Release baby release!

And to my fellow matriarchs out there...fulfill your responsibilities and your obligations BUT... DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF, STOP PUTTING YOUR NEEDS LAST, TAKE CARE OF YOUR INNER SELF, LOVE YOURSELF, DO THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY, NOURISH YOUR HEART.. because the people that need you want the best for you (and you are no good to them unhappy and unhealthy :D).

That said... I have found myself again and again and again. I am the happiest I have been in years. I am a sexy, confident hustler. I make sure my peeps are happy but most importantly when I wake every morning, the Goddess is happy.

LIVE! YOUR!!! LIFE!

What type of ex am I?

According to Glam.com

You’re an Ice Queen!

Brrrr. Do you know how to turn on the cold shoulder or what? Once someone has crossed you or stepped down from the romantic-partner position they must brave your ice storm of an attitude where darting looks stab like icicles and your upturned nose could chill even the hottest memories. Not that you care. Anyone who has hurt you deserves to be out in the cold—forever or at least until someone newer and better comes along.

Spring Break

Was great! I'm still smiling!

Your Business?

So I woke up yesterday, signed into my msn, and friend 1 pops up asking me whether I told friend 2 her business. Now I am caught off guard and immediately disgusted by the question since firstly, I am disgusted by the "business" and am not interested in telling others about it and secondly, I am too grown to be carrying on any he say - she say discussions. I put these thoughts in the back of my head and continue the discussion anyway.

Apparently, friend 2 had texted friend 1 stating "Goddess briefly mentioned the business as she thought I had already known." Well two flags should go up in the head of friend 1... firstly, Goddess thoughtttttt friend 2 had already known and secondly, Goddess BRIEFLY mentioned the business ... anyway here I am having to explain to friend 1 that what friend 2 knows is what the whole of Tobago knows by now. . . nothing special .. nothing that is Your business. Additionally, if friend 1 is so concerned about her business then maybe she shouldnt have put it out there by her actions. This wasn't any special news story that few people knew .. had that been the case then I won't have accidentally slipped two simple facts.

How can I tell friend 2 everything when I don't even know everything... and friend 2 went so far as to say Goddess briefly mentioned... what part of briefly is not comprehensible. I have lost some respect for friend 1 as a result of that business of hers and her reactions to it and I refuse to feel guilty for assuming friend 2 knew something that is being talked all over Tobago.

I may or may not have lost a friend as a result of this childish, immature situation. I strongly believe that you should focus on "Your business", the cause of "Your business", and how you can avoid a situation like that from occuring in the future.... don't sweat the small stuff. People approach me everyday about Your business and as I tell them it does not concern me.. friend 2 slipped through the crack.. I admit I was fooled by her..but don't for one minute think I have the time to be discussing something that I do not support.

Take the Box!

I am changing damnit...and I love it! Business school has really quickened my transformation from young adult to ......... young adult... but a better one.

I no longer have time for fuckery - childish issues such as she said she said, listening to the continuous chatter of females and their no good men, basically just continuous grade school chatter. I will voice my opinion on the BS that some of my friends do because hey they dont hesitate to voice their views on my shit. During this change I will lose and I will gain some. See I wanna talk about stocks, the private equity market, M&A deals, consulting, wallstreet, and fun stuff.

So .. if you find that I am moving cold ... sorry...if you cant deal with my views on the shit you are doing then Take Your Box and go!

So what am I interested in... growth! positive growth! Do something with yourself .. move on with your life... hey everyone does not have to go to grad school to be successful so if you are not then hey fine .. but at least be doing something! Something that leads to something for idle minds has time for shit and I don't.

hmmm... I feel so free! Smiles :D

Keep it Real

Wise extended the invitation and I am more than happy to...

Keep it Real...

1. If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?

I would be the CEO of a Fortune 50 company, and President of an adoption agency.

2. If you could slap the shit out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?

Hmmm.. the Mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, for his lack of leadership during and after Hurricane Katrina. Bush for continuing to read about some damn goat after hearing about the terrorist attacks on the WTC. I might throw a slap on Ashanti, Kobe Bryant, Fergie, Jessica Alba, and Paris Hilton just because I could.

3. What's the dumbest decision you've made in the past 5 years?

Throwing away my rabbit about a year ago.


4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.

Now this answer depends on my relationship status... suppose I am single and I have no choice but to give up good sex. As of right now I will give up good music. I I I need that good sex.

5. Dudes, would you rather have a big dick or a great sense of humor?

Ladies, nice tits & azz or common sense?

Common Sense and some ass.


6. So you've been invited to an all expense paid Blogger Prom in The Bahamas. You're sitting at the bar on the beach. Which blogger do you want to join you for hours of good convo?

Kicker without a doubt. He knows his liquor...and his conversations are not too bad :D

7. Which blogger would you most like to cuddle with on the beach? (and don't defer to your current signif other either. Infidelity won't count against you. Duh.)

My mind has drawn a blank.

8. You're going on a 5 hour road trip...which 5 CDs do you bring?

I will definitely pack:
1. Chromatic ... a reggae compilation CD
2. Lauryn Hill ... The Miseducation
and I will burn:
3. A Hip Hop CD
4. A R and B CD
5. And steal a Soca CD from my girlfriend

9. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?

Have them bury me.

10. What's your biggest insecurity?

Failure ... both professional and personal.

11.What's the first blog you read every day...or however often you read them? (And I swear to God, don't be saying mine just cuz I'm the one asking...unless of course you really mean it. lol)

lol .. my own .. I tend to forget what I said the day before.

12. When's the last time you peed your pants?

I really can't remember .. maybe teen years.

13. Which was better, your first kiss or your first pay check?

Hmm .. the first kiss was some years ago and it really wasnt a wow moment .. the first paycheck wasnt too wow either .. so I would go with the greater of the two and say first kiss... but it really wasnt all that.

14. Do you have kids? Want kids?

No I don't. Yes I do

15. You get dropped off at home after the office holiday party by your bitch azz boss that you can't effing stand...you exit the car and he peels out, runs a red light at your corner and rolls up an unsuspecting midget. The next day the midget watch groups are on TV outraged at the heartless hit and run, and are calling for any witnesses to please come fwd...that half dead midget has a family at home waiting on C-mas presents. Would you take $1000 hush money? $500? $100? A six pack?

Well I would stay quiet but hey if you are going to pay me to stay quiet then I might as well make a grand in the process.

16. Live the rest of your life without your eyebrows or your fingernails?

Eyebrows...

17. What makes you angry?

These here things
Failure
Dishonesty esp. in a relationship
Noise :S
Pussies

18. What makes you horny?

This list can go on forever:
Rain
A Shower
Doing the dishes
Standing naked in front of a fill length mirror
Cuddling
Feeling a full erection against my ass at the crack of dawn
Sex
Sweet phone calls from a special someone
Intelligence
Bandy Legs
A man that can "check" me -- now don't start checking me left, right, and center

19. What makes you nervous?

Being left alone in a closed area with someone I have met for the first time ... hate it!
Losing control of any situation
Phone calls from my siblings or mother way too early in the morning
The Po Po

20. What makes you smile?

A call from Mommy
A call from a special someone
Friends yelling at me b/c they think I'm too spoil
Soca
Carnival
Seeing an old friend
Winning
Sex

To every reader of this blog ... consider yourself tagged :D

Pet Peeves... Things that piss me to hell off

In no particular order ... and intended for no particular person .. these are the things that make me itch on the rare occassions that I allow them to...


10. Fellas that find it necessary to touch me in the club .. Hello! you do not have to touch me to ask for an excuse... and do I look like I want to dance .. ahmm with you :D

9. People from Tobago who would ask me my name.. then on the rare occasions that I mention my surname they would say .. Or you rich man! :| I am?

8. I hate when I go home for a little holidays and people that I never associated with before in my life feel the need to walk up to me and start ole talk .. So what you doing in foreign.. You pick up a whitey over dey? :|:| Do I know you?

7. Women with all talk and no action.. Oh if he ever cheats on me I am leaving … I forgave him the 5 times before but if he does it again I am gone this time for real …. Beyatch Yeahhhhh right … Why are you even complaining when you are cheating on him too?!

6. Fellas that just do not get the point… You call I do not respond .. You call again and I do not respond .. hint hint .. gimme a break! A sweet piece of Karma will hit me for this one!

5. Cheaters… Males and Females... I just don’t see the sense... All the sneaking... The back biting and dishonesty... For what! Shit I don’t have the time to waste on all that drama… I rather the simplicity... Just give me a faithful someone I am happy with and let me chill..

4. Mouth Runners .. always talking about what we as a people need to do to change ... ask them what they doing ... People like Haki Madhabuti and Tavis Smiley who preach black unity and the development of the African - American race yet the minute they have the opportunity to foster what they preach they run to a Caucasian owned book distribution company :S

3. People that feel the need to tell you what they think you should do without you asking.. Did I ask you for your opinion ? Nah did I ?

2. Return my frigging calls....If you see a missed call on your phone damnit return the call..How the hell can you see that I called you and not call me back man! And don't say you didnt see it! .. you have frigging Caller ID!!!!

1. Bond Breakers ... Your word is your bond.. Do not tell me you are going to do something then do the exact opposite or nothing at all .. worse yet if you act like you never said you were going to do it in the first place steupsssssssssssss

Entertainment Legends

Oprah really got me this time.... well she came close.. I was all hyped for this Legend Ball up until about 5 minutes before it started. Well since I had nothing better to do I watched it anyways and like an old granny I was arguing all thru it..

Why only legendary entertainers? .. what happen to business women, doctors, lawyers, journalists .. we ARE legends in other fields too u kno .. we can do more than just entertain.

But then again it's not MY ball so let me hush my crutch and dress for work...