It is me that is my worst enemy

Signs and Symptoms

1. * Loss of interest in normal daily activities - Check
2. * Depressed mood. You feel sad, helpless or hopeless, and may have crying spells - Check
3. * Sleep disturbances - Check
4. * Impaired thinking or concentration. You may have trouble concentrating or making decisions and have problems with memory - Check Check Check
5. * Changes in weight - Check
6. * Agitation. You may seem restless, agitated, irritable and easily annoyed - Check
7. * Fatigue or slowing of body movements. You feel weariness and lack of energy nearly every day - Check
8. * Low self-esteem. You feel worthless and have excessive guilt - Sorry no check
9. * Less interest in sex. If you were sexually active before developing depression, you may notice a dramatic decrease in your level of interest in having sexual relations - Check
10. * Thoughts of death - Sorry no check

These are the symptoms of ... drum roll please... Dysthymia (go look it up). I finally can admit that for many years I have sporadically suffered with this form of depression.

What caused this depression ? Wow ... it's been a tough ten years (emotionally).

- Family Illness

- Accepting my father, forgiving him, letting go

- Losing the first love of my life

- Living up to the incredibly high expectations that I set for myself

- Entering into a relationship with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons

-Finally finding love again and knowing that it was about to slip away again (we women just know)

- Family illness

- Going three years without seeing my mother, sister, family

-Broken friendships

- Entering grad school brought it to a climax. I became incredibly self conscious.

- Another failed relationship.

- Sacrificing my happiness so that others could be happy (unintentionally)

Please do not get me wrong, I was not walking around this place moping (at least not all of the time). Hell I didn't even know I was depressed until I saw my mother a month ago. The overwhelming feeling of happiness brought me to tears and brought back my appetite, my joy, that inner feeling of peace. Just knowing that there are people on this Earth that love me so much was enough to awake me from my stupor.

So, my advice to any and everyone is live your life! LIVE IT! Ten years went by as if they were two years. Instead of living by these rules that govern our lives and our happiness, live YOUR life. Do whatever makes you happy in this life.

A wise man said to me last week:
"One thing is for certain, one day, you and everyone that you know will be dead."


Forget what your friends might think.
Forget about the judgments of others (they have skeletons in their closets anyway).
Live your life. You want to let go .. LET GO! .. You want to hold on ... HOLD ON! ... You want to do a lil of both .. SHIT .. DO IT !
Express yourself - Let him know how you feel. Let her know how you feel.
Release baby release!

And to my fellow matriarchs out there...fulfill your responsibilities and your obligations BUT... DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF, STOP PUTTING YOUR NEEDS LAST, TAKE CARE OF YOUR INNER SELF, LOVE YOURSELF, DO THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY, NOURISH YOUR HEART.. because the people that need you want the best for you (and you are no good to them unhappy and unhealthy :D).

That said... I have found myself again and again and again. I am the happiest I have been in years. I am a sexy, confident hustler. I make sure my peeps are happy but most importantly when I wake every morning, the Goddess is happy.

LIVE! YOUR!!! LIFE!

What type of ex am I?

According to Glam.com

You’re an Ice Queen!

Brrrr. Do you know how to turn on the cold shoulder or what? Once someone has crossed you or stepped down from the romantic-partner position they must brave your ice storm of an attitude where darting looks stab like icicles and your upturned nose could chill even the hottest memories. Not that you care. Anyone who has hurt you deserves to be out in the cold—forever or at least until someone newer and better comes along.

Spring Break

Was great! I'm still smiling!

Your Business?

So I woke up yesterday, signed into my msn, and friend 1 pops up asking me whether I told friend 2 her business. Now I am caught off guard and immediately disgusted by the question since firstly, I am disgusted by the "business" and am not interested in telling others about it and secondly, I am too grown to be carrying on any he say - she say discussions. I put these thoughts in the back of my head and continue the discussion anyway.

Apparently, friend 2 had texted friend 1 stating "Goddess briefly mentioned the business as she thought I had already known." Well two flags should go up in the head of friend 1... firstly, Goddess thoughtttttt friend 2 had already known and secondly, Goddess BRIEFLY mentioned the business ... anyway here I am having to explain to friend 1 that what friend 2 knows is what the whole of Tobago knows by now. . . nothing special .. nothing that is Your business. Additionally, if friend 1 is so concerned about her business then maybe she shouldnt have put it out there by her actions. This wasn't any special news story that few people knew .. had that been the case then I won't have accidentally slipped two simple facts.

How can I tell friend 2 everything when I don't even know everything... and friend 2 went so far as to say Goddess briefly mentioned... what part of briefly is not comprehensible. I have lost some respect for friend 1 as a result of that business of hers and her reactions to it and I refuse to feel guilty for assuming friend 2 knew something that is being talked all over Tobago.

I may or may not have lost a friend as a result of this childish, immature situation. I strongly believe that you should focus on "Your business", the cause of "Your business", and how you can avoid a situation like that from occuring in the future.... don't sweat the small stuff. People approach me everyday about Your business and as I tell them it does not concern me.. friend 2 slipped through the crack.. I admit I was fooled by her..but don't for one minute think I have the time to be discussing something that I do not support.

Take the Box!

I am changing damnit...and I love it! Business school has really quickened my transformation from young adult to ......... young adult... but a better one.

I no longer have time for fuckery - childish issues such as she said she said, listening to the continuous chatter of females and their no good men, basically just continuous grade school chatter. I will voice my opinion on the BS that some of my friends do because hey they dont hesitate to voice their views on my shit. During this change I will lose and I will gain some. See I wanna talk about stocks, the private equity market, M&A deals, consulting, wallstreet, and fun stuff.

So .. if you find that I am moving cold ... sorry...if you cant deal with my views on the shit you are doing then Take Your Box and go!

So what am I interested in... growth! positive growth! Do something with yourself .. move on with your life... hey everyone does not have to go to grad school to be successful so if you are not then hey fine .. but at least be doing something! Something that leads to something for idle minds has time for shit and I don't.

hmmm... I feel so free! Smiles :D